10.35 PM

Hi

There's an intense ringing in my ears and angry loud thumping in my chest. I feel like I'm having a beautifully filmed and edited mental breakdown, á la Gary Ross' Hunger Games.

I have a 5.50 AM call time tomorrow and I can't calm down long enough to even lie still in bed to try to fall asleep. I am legitimately terrified of the remaining nine more weeks, and I wish I could just not show up like how I used to do since secondary school. Literally nothing else has caused me this much stress, and I am constantly feeling unhappy, scared, and helpless.

I sincerely apologize to my friends who has to deal with my bullshit rants and complaints and whining. I believe you guys know who you are, and I really cannot thank you all enough for being there for me and trying to cheer me up. I really appreciate it.

I hope you have a brilliant week ahead.

Goodnight.

Starlight in a Jar is slowly turning into a depression blog

Hi.

The photo above, as well as the rest of the photos in this post, was taken during the first month of my internship, and it pretty much sums up how my life used to be. Pretentious, seemingly hungover, and just not giving a fuck. Oh my, how things change.

I've been really busy lately (what's new) and internship has been draining my life source in every way. I truly can't sleep in peace. The best sleep I've had in the past month is that time I dreamt of being interviewed on Ellen and she surprised me, à la Kristen Bell Sloth Meltdown, with Josh Hutcherson. Long story short, I had meltdown over how beautiful his face is and kept emphasizing how he has a perfect jawline, which led to him asking me out for coffee after the taping. This dream then led me to a severe case of Josh Hutcherson-mania, which is not looking good.

I recently discovered my love for planning, which is unfortunate considering I have no resources to fund any of my plans. I've been having a really bad case of wanderlust, and I've just been aching to travel anywhere and everywhere. I feel like this is a symptom of "the twenties" though. The sickness filled with ache for discovering the world, figuring oneself, and combining the two to find out what you're supposed to do with your life. Despite only being 20 for slightly over a month, I feel like every one in their 20s go through a point in their life where they just want to drop everything they have going on to discover themselves, be it by travelling or just lying in bed and watching shows they wished their life was like on Netflix. That is exactly how I feel right now, and I honestly cannot wait until 10th Febuary 2014, where I can wake up at 4pm on a Monday and not have to worry about anything.

This has been a quick update of how my life has been and how I'm slowly slipping into depression (and "the twenties"), coupled with selfies taken in the office when I still had long hair.

I hope you have completely discovered yourself.

Goodnight.

Quarter-life Crisis

Hi.

Let's skip all the formalities of going "I'm sorry I've practically fallen off the planet", because I'm going through an existential crises enough as it is.

Last week, I was researching on things to do while in Los Angeles, and it turned into a search for an apartment to rent in LA, which turned into a search for a job, which turned into reading yahoo! question after question and blog after blog about how hard it is to find a job in the entertainment industry in LA, which then turned into a realization that I am completely not qualified for anything, which finally turned into a half an hour of minor anxiety attack.

I know what I want to do in life. I want to move to Los Angeles and drive around in my Fiat 500, living and working in my studio apartment, grocery shopping at Whole Foods and Farmers Markets, facing trivial problems like how I want to arrange the furniture in my house and if I want to get white rice or brown rice. 

Last night, I had an anxiety dream about being in internship and how I made the wrong choice and totally should have done FYP for my final semester instead. I dreamt that I was on the train on my way to school, but I was two hours early so I decided to take a detour and change route at Jurong East. The train I got on was a very new and pretty train with very clean and polite people, but as soon as we got to the next stop, all the clean polite people got off and these mean scraggly-type people got in and the whole train started being gross and dirty. It was really full and loud and I wanted to get off the train at the next stop, but it was the longest ride of my life. My whole issue with personal space made me want to faint, and that ride just felt like an eternity, even in dream time.

I finally reached the next stop, so I tried getting off the train, not without bumping into a hundred dirty people and clumsily stumbling out of the carriage. I ended up in a dirty run down platform with stairs missing multiple steps, and I have to cross the street to get to the other platform. After almost falling to my death multiple times, I reached the other side and waited for what felt like days for that train, only to be unable to get back on the Clementi train no matter what I do. It just feels like I'm stuck there forever with no foreseeable future.

I have never felt this uncomfortable in my entire life. I can't sleep peacefully, my heart constantly feels like it's about to fall out of my butt, My craving for McDonalds has reached a whole new level. I started going on the McDelivery website, putting everything I want "in my cart" before weeping and closing the site.

I'm just desperately trying to keep my sanity and keep cool and calm, just forcing myself to remember that this too shall pass, and I will one day own my studio apartment and drive around in my Fiat 500.

I hope you're all doing well and know what you want to do in life.

Goodnight.

http://roaringsoftly.com/

Update: mid-2013

Hi.

I know, I've completely neglected this space once again. I have a multitude of posts on drafts, but I can't seem to put my thoughts into words so until then, they will remain as drafts and I grace you with old depressing #selfies I took on photobooth whenever I use it as a mirror to fix my hair.

It has been quite awhile since I last did a personal post, and quite a bit has happened since then.

• My hard drive got completely wiped off moments before submitting my final assignment on the lab server, and I lost 7 years worth of photos and memories, as well as most of my portfolio work.
• I've gotten to the point where I very seriously considered dropping everything I am academically-involved in, two and a half years of painful painful polytechnic basically, and quit school.
• I've gotten to the point where I put my big girl panties on and stuck through with my life motto, which is "this too shall pass".
• I've very seriously considered getting said life motto tattooed recently, I actually already had an appointment set up, but instead, prioritized a very much needed catch-up r&r session with my cousin.
• Speaking of which, I went back to the Philippines for a couple of days and found out things about certain people that made me loathe them beyond words, to the point where I was so angry, I couldn't sleep despite multiple days of sleep deprivation.
• I finally understand and believe that it's nice and heartwarming to spend your hard-earned money to treat people you really care about, and not just because it will make you look nice.
• I realized that imitation is not the greatest form of flattery. It's degrading to be put down to some people's standards.
• Shannen has left for the UK and I am pretending that we are both busy with our own work for months on end, but still able to talk on whatsapp constantly
• I went for The Color Run, which lived up to its tagline of being "The Happiest 5K in the Planet"! It was genuinely so much fun that five kilometres felt like such a short distance. The after party was way more tiring than the run itself.I've gone to a trampoline park and completely fell in love with trampolines and vowed to go at least twice a month.
• I've finally started my practical driving lessons.
• I've started my 5.5-month long internship for my final semester of my academic life.
• I've broken down and have become everything I hated.

To be fair, that last bit isn't as dramatic as it sounds. I meant the small things, like getting rid of most of my colourful loud clothes and opting for plain monochrome outfits on most days. I now own one of those plastic Starbucks cup tumblers and sip plain water from it 24/7. "Rude and disrespectful" is now a huge part of my day-to-day vocabulary. And I have developed the brain cells to talk about ~feelings~ and it is not something I enjoy. Even just thinking about it makes me cringe, and trust me, I am not exaggerating at the slightest.

Despite all of that, I believe that I have grown to become somewhat a better person and I am ready to face the next chapter of my life! There is only less than half a year left of 2013, but I still have so many things I want to do before the end of this year. Most of them I've already started or is in the process of starting, and I cannot wait!

I hope you're all doing well. (And are still alive and reading my blog)

Good night.

TV Shows I'm Currently Following: Part 1

Hi.

Writer's note: This has been in my drafts for two months. I apologize.

I apologize for the lack of updates recently! I just realized that it has been more than a month since my last post, and it truly hasn't felt like it's been that long. School, more like the mere thought of it, has been draining and the amount of work makes me want to collapse into nothingness.

Most of my friends would know that if there is one thing that I can do every day for the rest of my life without, it is to watch TV shows and films. Some would ask how I manage to keep up with the storylines of each show, but I'll leave that for another post. Here's a list of the TV shows I have recently watched/am watching/about to watch!

2 Broke Girls

have watched - waiting for season 3 - sitcom

It is about two broke girls, trying to start a cupcake business in New York. Watch if you like sarcastic and lame humor at the same time. Laugh track included.

Adventure Time

am watching - about to start on season 5 - animated series (for kids)

It follows the adventures of a boy named Finn, a talking morphing dog named Jake, and their anthropomorphic candy friends. Watch if you want to learn heart-wrenching life lessons in a fun and colorful way.

Arrested Development

am watching - about to start on season 4 - sitcom

A formerly wealthy incredibly dysfunctional family tries to adjust to living within their means, but fails miserably. Watch if you want to see a cute and chubby Michael Cera.

The Big Bang Theory

have watched - waiting for season 7 - sitcom

It follows a group of incredibly smart, but stereotypically nerdy, physicists and their hot female neighbour. Watch if you want lots and lots of laugh tracks. Laugh track included.

Bob's Burgers

have watched - waiting for season 4 - animated sitcom

A family tries to live off whatever little they can get from their burger restaurant as each family member gets into some conflict with practically everyone in the neighbourhood. Watch if you like butts and think an incredibly awkward 14-year old with an incredibly powerful passion for butts is incredibly hilarious.

Breaking Bad

am watching - currently rewatching from season 4 - drama/crime

A washed-up brilliant chemist turned chemist teacher found out he has cancer and ends up cooking meth with who he thought to be a street-wise dude. Watch if you like science, bitch! And also if you want to find out ways to kill people and make drugs.

The Carrie Diaries

have watched - waiting for season 2 - teen drama

A prequel to Sex and The City, it follows the teenage life of Carrie Bradshaw before she moved to the Big Apple. Watch if you like teen dramas and to see how many episodes it'll take for you to start to think Austin Butler is cute.

Community

have watched - waiting for season 5 - sitcom

A study group full of misfits who ended up in community college together would constantly go through the weirdest shenanigans. Watch if you appreciate metahumor and pop culture references.

These are only a third of the list of shows I am currently following. I will work on part two and three (maybe possible four whoops) over the next week! And yes, I do enjoy a whole lot of sitcom.

So what TV shows do you like watching? I hope you are having a lovely lazy weekend watching your favourite TV series.

Goodnight.