Happy Liza is Happy!

Hi!

Since I started working two weeks ago, this is the first time I've been on the internet without having anything work-related opened up on my MacBook or phone, and to be completely honest, I'm not too upset about that.

I'm currently filling in as a producer at a commercial photography studio until 19th August, and though the past two weeks have been incredibly insane work-wise, I am the happiest I've been in a really long time! The workaholic in me is alive and thriving, and the chill pill in me gets on well with pretty good colleagues. I think it's safe to say that I am legitimately upset that I'm leaving the office in two days.

Since I started work, I've had a lot being thrown at my face day after day, and even though I do complain about it from time to time, it really doesn't make me want to go and kill myself. You know when you used to wake up for school, and you just counted down the hours until you could go home? I am really grateful to say that I feel nothing like that! I even wake up in the morning, before 8am mind you, not hating myself! If you know me, you would know that it truly is a miracle and it means so much to me.

Who knows, maybe this is just a quick turn for the happy side of my Cyclothymia. Or maybe it's just because I'm working for this company for only such a short period of time. But I like it and I'm enjoying it, so I might as well just accept it and make the best out of it, no? This too shall pass, and all that.

Sometimes I'll be telling someone a story and halfway through, I'd realize that there's no point to it, and I just wanted to tell someone my story. Well this blog post is it. There is no real point to this, I just wanted to say I was, and hopefully still am, genuinely happy.

I hope you are all genuinely happy.

Good morning.

Lack of Possibilities in Singapore

Hi.

It has been almost two weeks since I got back from my 15-day trip around Thailand, and until now, I am not completely over the whole thing. There is just so much I love about traveling, and even with Thailand itself, that I just can't help but wish that I wasn't stuck in Singapore for an extended amount of time.

I think that the thing that upsets me so much about being back in Singapore is the lack of possibilities.

Back in Thailand, especially in Krabi, you could get on public transport and there's a high chance you could end up having a lovely conversation with someone during your ride. How often did I step up to talk to people? Not often, but it makes me so happy knowing it's an actual possibility.

During one of our rides, this lady beside us was snacking on watermelon seeds, and out of nowhere, she offered me some. I didn't have any, but man, did that make me happy. If someone in Singapore did that, number one, they would be fined a ridiculous amount because you can't eat on public transport, and number two, it would be extremely weird and unwelcomed.

The devil's advocate may say something like, "there's always a possibility! You just have to step up and talk to people!". Yes, yes I can, but it will be incredibly unwelcomed for the most part. I might end up being called crazy on someone's Twitter or, even worse, STOMPed. It just isn't the norm for Singaporeans, and I don't like how that is an issue. Of course not every Singaporean is like that, but it is a great majority. It just doesn't feel as easy to approach someone here in Singapore as it would anywhere else, as far as I've experienced. 

The main path for people here in Singapore is to go to polytechnic, or even better, a good junior college, followed by going to a good university, preferably local but a reputable overseas one could work too I guess, then going straight to work to provide for your parents and future offspring, preferably in business, engineering, or basically anything that is not the arts, then living like that until you can afford to retire. Of course that whole ordeal is slightly exaggerated, but from what I've seen, if you're not following that path, there is not a lot of space in Singapore for you to grow, and if you are able to follow that path, there isn't much space in your life for anything else.

My points may be slightly exaggerated or be seen as a stereotype, but it wouldn't be seen as a stereotype if it wasn't as big enough of an issue, right? I think anyone who has lived in Singapore for long enough would understand where I'm coming from.

Now I do not, by any means, hate Singapore. I am a Singaporean and I love Singapore, but for completely different reasons than, say, how I love the Philippines or Thailand. Singapore has amazing modern architecture, amazing public transport system, it has one of the top education systems in the world, it's orderly and is safe enough where I can walk home alone at 3am and feel completely safe. But beyond that, Singapore just isn't for me in the long-term, and that is just me.

I hope you all find the place where you should be, or at least the place where you want to be. Currently for me, it's on Bamboo Island, just constantly screaming about how amazing the water is. (And yes, a post about my trip, including photos, will be coming very soon!)

Goodnight.

#lizagoestowork

Hi.

I am unofficially done with my final semester of polytechnic, and since I have no plans of going to university, I am pretty much done with my academic life. This is both extremely freeing, yet also extremely terrifying.

On one hand, it’s amazing as I am free from the torturous clutches of regularly attending school, I no longer have to see condescending lecturers, and I no longer to force yourself to retain bouts of information to pass a module. 

On the other hand, I would probably need to work with insane production schedules,  have to submit to condescending superiors, I would still need to follow schedules and deadlines, and I still have to work with retaining information to work on a project. Obviously, this is turning out great.

It is a slightly terrifying time for me right now, because from now onwards, everything I do is essentially a huge game changer. From whether I decide to get out of bed that day, to the type of jobs I choose to apply for, everything could essentially take me down a different lane and I don’t know how I feel about that. This made me realise that I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I substantially care for money, not just to have money to travel or for clothes, but to survive.

Joining any part of the creative industry, you are faced with the major decision of whether to sell your soul to the commercial devils or to just scrape by but work on something you love. I am completely torn. When it comes to the media industry, advertisements (of any kind) is where the big money is. The downside is that you have to cater to clients who can’t make up their mind, possibly sacrifice your artistic direction

If your dream job is sitting in front of a desk from 9-5 making a stable living, then good for you. I do not, in any way, think that desk jobs are life-sucking in itself. I do, however, believe that they are simply not for everyone, specially not the likes of me. I get bored too easily and start showing up offensively late for work wearing way too casual clothing. I’m pretty sure if I worked at a company for more than a year, I’ll start showing up wearing sweatpants and passing them off as hipster slacks.

I have no idea where I will be a year from now, career-wise. I barely even know what career I want to pursue. I’m just hoping I’ll stumble into what I’m actually supposed to do, just like everyone else. In the meantime, I’ll enjoy putting up photos and ridiculous status updates on my social media with #lizaisunemployed or #lizagoestowork. Hopefully it’s the latter.

Oh yeah, meet Pichu. My office's resident cat, who wails and craves as much attention as a dog.

I hope you all have a purrfect weekend!

Goodnight.

Happy New Year: 2014

Hi.

I can confidently say that 2013 has been the worst year of my life so far. So much incredibly horrible shit has happened, and I can't even begin to explain how relieved I am that I am given (the false pretense of) a new start.

Despite all that, I do admit that it has definitely been a fairly eventful year.

The first month of the year was pretty boring. Nothing memorable happened in January. I did officially and permanently stopped going to my former church though, which was a huge weight off my shoulders and is something I definitely do not regret.

The same goes for February, though I did get into the habit of working out regularly and completely fell in love with the school gym.

In March, I ended my second year of polytechnic. I continued regularly working out and also started working as a lower primary school tutor. That experience only fueled my decision to never have kids. I also worked for Ashley Mak to produce school photos for an international school which involved a two-week sleep-deprived chaos in my tiny room, with photos of hundreds of kids of all ages sprawled all over my floor and bed.

In April, I went on a holiday by myself in the Philippines for the first time! Of course I stayed with my relatives the whole time I was there, but I was independent in the sense that I did not have to check with my parents about anything, I made my own plans, and I had to pay for everything myself! It was a really amazing experience and I treasure every moment I spent with family while I was there.

In May, school resumed and I was back in the cave, trying not to stab myself with a stylus. My grandma also flew to Singapore to stay with us for a few weeks, and we brought her out to a couple of places around Singapore.

In June, I caught a show at Zouk featuring Wavves, Múm, and Shelves. This is when I discovered my love for Wavves. This was also when I had stopped taking photos with my camera.

July was fairly uneventful. I filmed a 3D dolly shot and got to be a part of The Sam Willows' Glasshouse music video, which was both fun. Besides that, nothing much happened in July, except for my slow spiral into depression. Oh, and I also stopped working out.

August was a huge rollercoaster month for me. I got to see my all time favourite band, Fall Out Boy, live! We were so close to the stage and they were legitimately so amazing and the crowd was so insane, I truly felt like I could pass out at any time. I also got to participate in Singapore's first ever Color Run! It was my first time ever joining a 5K and I was quite nervous, but anything that involved rolling on the floor in public and running into dust clouds of colors is a great time in my book. I also flew to the Philippines for the second time this year to be present for my grandmother's birthday! I came with my parents this time, and it was lots of fun. Now I say it is a rollercoaster month, because with those incredibly amazing times come really shitty ones. It was my first time sneaking into school just to stay up to do schoolwork and this actually happened more than once. The work just became so overwhelming and at the same time, I had to deal with issues with my internship, it was just a shit show. In addition to all this happening, I lost everything in my hard drive, which includes years worth of personal photos, and years worth of work/projects/portfolio. I just felt so heartbroken and lost and could not believe my luck. Everytime I see a hint of something good about to happen, life slapped me in the face and dumped shit on me. It was the first time in my life that I legitimately wanted to die and I just wanted to completely drop everything and it was just terrible.

In September, I started my internship with a production company. It started out cool and easy as I did not have much to do at work. I went on shoots and realized how the things we are taught in school is a lot different from how things are done in the real world. I also got braces and started taking practical driving lessons! This month, Amped Trampoline Park also graced Singapore's shores and it was such a huge blessing in my life. I loved every $0.25-costing minute I spent in that park and it has been one of the best discoveries of my life.

In October, I turned 20 years old. I was faced with an existential crisis when one day it hit me that I am not qualified for anything. I have no proper knowledge on anything that could get me on a proper career track. My "depression" was in full force and I just mostly sat there and took it. I truly felt like there wasn't anything I could do to help myself. I also gained back some of the weight I lost earlier in the year because of this. Also, I participated in the zombie  run, Race The Dead. It was a waste of money, in my opinion.

In November, I carried on being miserable. I went on shoots for work, which were just horrible experiences. I have never felt so humiliated and defeated. I was at the height of the depressed state of my Cyclothemia. I could not sleep peacefully and I was just constantly anxious about future shoots, work, money, my future or lack thereof, everything! I was just so miserable, to the point where it took over almost every conversation I had with friends, and I apologize profusely. It was just completely horrible.

December started out horrible, but things were starting to look up. Though I was still anxious about everything most of the time, I started getting into the groove at work and learning from being on set and talking to the crew. One of the crew gave me lots of advice on how to survive in the film industry and I am so grateful for it. And though I didn't get to meet up with my friends a whole lot, i treasured every moment I had with them. This month, I also managed to finally get my first (of hopefully many) tattoo! It was so exciting, and I still find it pretty unreal.

Life is insane. The second half of the year, I truly whole heartedly believed that I wanted to die. My issues by themselves weren't actually a big deal, but they came one after another and started piling up and it just became so overwhelming. But of course, God throws me a curveball. Out of nowhere, things started to look up, and days are passing by much faster, and right now, I am just so excited to end my internship and finally be done with polytechnic.

2013 was a huge year of ups and downs, and I could not have survived it with a sane mind if it not had been for the huge support of my family and my good friends. God has blessed me with so much and I need to stop looking past them. I don't want to forget all the shitty things that happened in 2013. I want to learn from them, and yet, still move on. I don't want to be stuck with the amazing things that happened in 2013. I want to treasure every minute of them, and yet, still move on. After all, this too shall pass, right?

Happy New Year, my lovelies. And may the coming year be the most amazing year of your life so far.

Goodnight.

Starlight in a Jar is slowly turning into a depression blog

Hi.

The photo above, as well as the rest of the photos in this post, was taken during the first month of my internship, and it pretty much sums up how my life used to be. Pretentious, seemingly hungover, and just not giving a fuck. Oh my, how things change.

I've been really busy lately (what's new) and internship has been draining my life source in every way. I truly can't sleep in peace. The best sleep I've had in the past month is that time I dreamt of being interviewed on Ellen and she surprised me, à la Kristen Bell Sloth Meltdown, with Josh Hutcherson. Long story short, I had meltdown over how beautiful his face is and kept emphasizing how he has a perfect jawline, which led to him asking me out for coffee after the taping. This dream then led me to a severe case of Josh Hutcherson-mania, which is not looking good.

I recently discovered my love for planning, which is unfortunate considering I have no resources to fund any of my plans. I've been having a really bad case of wanderlust, and I've just been aching to travel anywhere and everywhere. I feel like this is a symptom of "the twenties" though. The sickness filled with ache for discovering the world, figuring oneself, and combining the two to find out what you're supposed to do with your life. Despite only being 20 for slightly over a month, I feel like every one in their 20s go through a point in their life where they just want to drop everything they have going on to discover themselves, be it by travelling or just lying in bed and watching shows they wished their life was like on Netflix. That is exactly how I feel right now, and I honestly cannot wait until 10th Febuary 2014, where I can wake up at 4pm on a Monday and not have to worry about anything.

This has been a quick update of how my life has been and how I'm slowly slipping into depression (and "the twenties"), coupled with selfies taken in the office when I still had long hair.

I hope you have completely discovered yourself.

Goodnight.

Quarter-life Crisis

Hi.

Let's skip all the formalities of going "I'm sorry I've practically fallen off the planet", because I'm going through an existential crises enough as it is.

Last week, I was researching on things to do while in Los Angeles, and it turned into a search for an apartment to rent in LA, which turned into a search for a job, which turned into reading yahoo! question after question and blog after blog about how hard it is to find a job in the entertainment industry in LA, which then turned into a realization that I am completely not qualified for anything, which finally turned into a half an hour of minor anxiety attack.

I know what I want to do in life. I want to move to Los Angeles and drive around in my Fiat 500, living and working in my studio apartment, grocery shopping at Whole Foods and Farmers Markets, facing trivial problems like how I want to arrange the furniture in my house and if I want to get white rice or brown rice. 

Last night, I had an anxiety dream about being in internship and how I made the wrong choice and totally should have done FYP for my final semester instead. I dreamt that I was on the train on my way to school, but I was two hours early so I decided to take a detour and change route at Jurong East. The train I got on was a very new and pretty train with very clean and polite people, but as soon as we got to the next stop, all the clean polite people got off and these mean scraggly-type people got in and the whole train started being gross and dirty. It was really full and loud and I wanted to get off the train at the next stop, but it was the longest ride of my life. My whole issue with personal space made me want to faint, and that ride just felt like an eternity, even in dream time.

I finally reached the next stop, so I tried getting off the train, not without bumping into a hundred dirty people and clumsily stumbling out of the carriage. I ended up in a dirty run down platform with stairs missing multiple steps, and I have to cross the street to get to the other platform. After almost falling to my death multiple times, I reached the other side and waited for what felt like days for that train, only to be unable to get back on the Clementi train no matter what I do. It just feels like I'm stuck there forever with no foreseeable future.

I have never felt this uncomfortable in my entire life. I can't sleep peacefully, my heart constantly feels like it's about to fall out of my butt, My craving for McDonalds has reached a whole new level. I started going on the McDelivery website, putting everything I want "in my cart" before weeping and closing the site.

I'm just desperately trying to keep my sanity and keep cool and calm, just forcing myself to remember that this too shall pass, and I will one day own my studio apartment and drive around in my Fiat 500.

I hope you're all doing well and know what you want to do in life.

Goodnight.

http://roaringsoftly.com/

Update: mid-2013

Hi.

I know, I've completely neglected this space once again. I have a multitude of posts on drafts, but I can't seem to put my thoughts into words so until then, they will remain as drafts and I grace you with old depressing #selfies I took on photobooth whenever I use it as a mirror to fix my hair.

It has been quite awhile since I last did a personal post, and quite a bit has happened since then.

• My hard drive got completely wiped off moments before submitting my final assignment on the lab server, and I lost 7 years worth of photos and memories, as well as most of my portfolio work.
• I've gotten to the point where I very seriously considered dropping everything I am academically-involved in, two and a half years of painful painful polytechnic basically, and quit school.
• I've gotten to the point where I put my big girl panties on and stuck through with my life motto, which is "this too shall pass".
• I've very seriously considered getting said life motto tattooed recently, I actually already had an appointment set up, but instead, prioritized a very much needed catch-up r&r session with my cousin.
• Speaking of which, I went back to the Philippines for a couple of days and found out things about certain people that made me loathe them beyond words, to the point where I was so angry, I couldn't sleep despite multiple days of sleep deprivation.
• I finally understand and believe that it's nice and heartwarming to spend your hard-earned money to treat people you really care about, and not just because it will make you look nice.
• I realized that imitation is not the greatest form of flattery. It's degrading to be put down to some people's standards.
• Shannen has left for the UK and I am pretending that we are both busy with our own work for months on end, but still able to talk on whatsapp constantly
• I went for The Color Run, which lived up to its tagline of being "The Happiest 5K in the Planet"! It was genuinely so much fun that five kilometres felt like such a short distance. The after party was way more tiring than the run itself.I've gone to a trampoline park and completely fell in love with trampolines and vowed to go at least twice a month.
• I've finally started my practical driving lessons.
• I've started my 5.5-month long internship for my final semester of my academic life.
• I've broken down and have become everything I hated.

To be fair, that last bit isn't as dramatic as it sounds. I meant the small things, like getting rid of most of my colourful loud clothes and opting for plain monochrome outfits on most days. I now own one of those plastic Starbucks cup tumblers and sip plain water from it 24/7. "Rude and disrespectful" is now a huge part of my day-to-day vocabulary. And I have developed the brain cells to talk about ~feelings~ and it is not something I enjoy. Even just thinking about it makes me cringe, and trust me, I am not exaggerating at the slightest.

Despite all of that, I believe that I have grown to become somewhat a better person and I am ready to face the next chapter of my life! There is only less than half a year left of 2013, but I still have so many things I want to do before the end of this year. Most of them I've already started or is in the process of starting, and I cannot wait!

I hope you're all doing well. (And are still alive and reading my blog)

Good night.

Happy Valentine

Hi.

This week is what I call Valentine's week. It's definitely not just a day. It's a week filled up with people going "I wish I had a Valentine this year" or "I don't need a Valentine and I'm good on my own" or "I am desperate someone just be my Valentine please" and instagrams of bouquets and romantic dinners or a bed with Gossip Girl playing on a laptop.

I have no opinion of Valentine's Day. I don't hate it, but I don't like it either. It just seems really commercialized and I feel sorry for guys who feel forced to get their girlfriends outlandish presents, but to each their own. Anyway, I recently saw a typography post on Tumblr and recognize it as one that an old boyfriend of mine did, and it got me feeling nostalgic.

I have known this guy practically since I was only a year old. We used to go out on dates every week, and when I'm dying in school, I would always look forward to spending time with him over the weekend. We would talk on the phone after school, though I can't even remember what we would talk about, but I just remember it being nice and lovely and something about Pokémon.

We would meet at the mall on Saturdays, planning to go on a movie marathon, but end up only watching one movie and spending a couple of hours playing games at the arcade. I even remember bringing home multiple stuffed animals one Saturday after he won them from some games. After that, we would go for dinner and he would surprise me with a cake or chocolates. It was all so cute and sweet, and we would even hold hands, and it was all so adorable!

I remember standing by his side while everyone sang him the birthday song one year, and his whole family, friends, and schoolmates were all at his dinosaur-themed birthday party at KFC. I was the only one there who wasn't family nor schoolmate, and I felt special, standing beside him while we held hands as he closed his eyes while making his wish. He then so spoon-fed me cake, even though it was his birthday, not mine. It was probably one of the cutest things that has ever happened to me.

The whole thing seemed so perfect, too bad it didn't last. I moved to a city two-hours away and it just got too tiring for both parties to meet up every week. I guess we both just grew out of it. The last time we met, it was awkward, and our moms forcing us to get together did not help at the slightest. I'm not even sure we're friends on Facebook.

It was so cute, and romantic, and innocent, something you would see on chick flicks, minus the mind games and sex. It was the epitome of young love. Well that was it was. Young love. We started our romance when we were six, and it unfortunately ended when we were about ten years old. It was great while it lasted. It probably will be the best relationship I'll ever have in my life.

I hope you all have a cute romantic love story to share you your future children, or cats.

Goodnight.

100!

Hi.

I had just realized that my blog has been up for a bit over a year! It feels like it has only been a couple of months since I started starlightinajar.

Documenting life has always been something I did since young, and it has been present in many different forms. From writing on physical diaries, to blogging over different platforms, to video blogging on YouTube. I guess it's because I have a sort of obsession with the idea of memories.

Memories in your head are altered in some way every single time you recall it, be it in a big way or even down to the minute details. It's insane when you actually think about it, because what you know about a certain event now, might not be how it was when it actually happened. And this is affected by a number of factors, like for example, simply forgetting the details and being forced to make up new ones, or having a change of feelings towards what has happened, therefore changing the overall feel of the the memory at hand.

I've talked about memories in a couple of old blog posts before (here, and here), and I am still constantly coming up with my own hypotheses on how human memories work. I hope to one day, figure it all out, and have control over it. Because having constantly changing memories pop up at the back of your mind is not exactly a very pleasant feeling.

In the meantime, please enjoy my attempt at remembering the good times of the year 2012.

I hope you're all having an amazing start of the year!

Goodnight.

Goals for 2013

Hi.

The next year is just around the corner, and I feel uncomfortable ending 2012 on a depressing note.

The year has been both good and bad, and there is no way for me to come up with a proper conclusion on how I feel about this year as a whole. I guess there were happy times, there were horrible times, but it's mostly just this huge grey period of nothingness. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Unfortunately, the world did not end on December 21st, so now we have to continue living and being positive about things, and carry on pretending we would rather walk the streets feeling excited to find out what's about to happen next, rather than just know it has all ended and no more bad can happen any longer.

In an attempt to make this post look like it's not going downhill, here's a list of things I'd like to accomplish by the end of 2013.

1. Have at least $1k in my bank account by the end of the year. I'm the worst when it comes to money, so I should probably start training how to not run my wallet dry before I move to the UK.
2. Be fit enough to participate in a colour run. If you don't know what a Colour Run is, better head yourself off to Google, because you are missing out! Losing weight is irrelevant, being able to survive running though colour is key.
3. Have enough experience in the industry to own name cards. You know you're ready to jump into the "real world" pool without water wings on when you've got your own name cards.
4. Finish what I start. I currently have two short films I'm half way done producing, and it really bothers me that I've not finished them sooner. This applies to projects I start in the future.
5. Intern in a film company. Because logic.
6. Learn how to dj and mix music. Just because I think it would be a fun skill to pick up.

Seems good enough, right? 

Last year, I made a list of things I planned to do in 2012, and I didn't go through with most of them. Since this year's goals are more realistic, I think things would turn out much better than last year's attempt.

I hope you all survived the end of the world!

Goodnight.

Empty | Full

Hi.

I don't think I've ever felt this lost.

I don't think I've ever felt lost, really. Right now, I just feel like I don't know where I am in life, and I wake up thinking, "if I don't exist today, would things be any different?". It's horrible, because it only applies to the present. I know where I stood months ago, and I know what I'll be doing years from now, but I don't know where I am right now.

There is just no drive, no meaning, and at the end of each day I look back and realize how empty the past few hours were. Sure, I was busy in school and probably had superficial conversations with people, but that's just what the day was. Superficial.

It's odd, because I've never felt this way. To be honest, I've never really seen myself as someone with feelings. Close friends would probably tell you the same. I used to just go by day after day, no matter how shitty and depressing one was, I'll be back smiling and making horrible puns after. I've never seriously worried about the future, let alone the present, and just went through each day, being the quintessential spokesperson of "going with the flow". But in a good way. Now instead of riding the waves, I'm going with the flow in a way that could be better described as "getting dragged by waste water down the sewers".

I just feel so, for the lack of a better word, empty. Yet simultaneously full. My heart has been so heavy, but it is full of nothingness, of emptiness. My days are empty, the messages app on my phone is empty, my wallet is empty, there is nothing tangible in this planet that would make me want to go to church,  my social life is non-existent, I find absolutely no reason to leave my room, and I literally and legitimately do not have any idea what to do or what to think as of this moment. Nothing makes me legitimately and non-superficially happy. The closest I could get is a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks, but that's only 5% on the happiness meter, and it'll cost me at least 400 calories, and not to mention that shit is expensive!

I think I'm in the depressed state of my Cyclothymia. I really do hope that this is all from Cyclothymia, or else, I'm fucked.

I really hope you're not feeling like shit.

Good morning.

I am very upset

Hi.

I told myself I wouldn't put up the incredibly depressing post below. I had talked to a friend about the issue after all. But I had already typed it out all so neatly, so I might as well put it up.

---

I promised myself that I would stop putting up any form of sadness on my blog and put up more things people might actually bother reading, but it seems like there really isn't a point in having a blog, if you don't share what's really on your mind.

I wonder if anybody's actually had feelings for me. Like actually got upset or mad over the little things I did and got jealous and confused over me and thought about me on a regular basis. I feel like I'm the only person that ever cares about anyone and that nobody's ever felt that way for me.  

 - from here

This idea seems much more emotional than it should be. It really isn't. It just reminded me of someone who I thought cared. Maybe he really did, maybe he didn't. But I really felt like he was that one person at the time who gets upset if I blew him off for work or had to hang out with someone else. One who would be upset when I'm upset and try to cheer me up. Someone who would be upset with me if I did something wrong to myself or in my life, and actually call me out on it. It really sounds like he cared, doesn't it?

I wish I hadn't been so cold and emotionless back then. I regret all the intentionally ignored phone calls, declined invitations to hangouts and parties, and incredibly late replied messages. But then I also blame this person for not saying anything, for disappearing into thin air, and for not giving this whole thing closure.

I'm too upset to be talking about this kinda thing in public. When upset, people tend to only remember the good things. Let's try to think of bad things then. He... I legitimately had to sit here for at least five minutes and really rack my brains out for a negative thing, and I could only think of one, but that was partially my fault anyway. He still owes me presents. Aha! Bad thing indeed.

---

I hope everyone's feeling much better than I am.

Good morning.

Happy birthday indeed.

Hi.

Quick confession. I'm a pathological liar, bordering on sociopathy, and I suffer from Cyclothymia, which is a mild case of manic depression. Loosely diagnosed by a relative who studies mental disorders.

I'm in the bounds of having a depressive fit, which is absolutely horrible when combined with being a pathological liar. To try to combat the latter, I just try not to talk to anyone as much as possible, but that only adds fuel to the flame of depression.

Contrary to popular belief, depression is not something that "just takes time to get over". It's a chemical imbalance in the brain that could mostly only be sorted out with drugs. Unfortunately, some people seem to take advantage of that and use antidepressants to get high, which is stupid. If you want to get high, do weed, or drink, or go to a club. Or be manic depressive and get high for a couple of weeks straight, before falling into a pit of depression.

Back when I was younger, I used to wonder why I would always feel like absolute shit after I've had the most amazing time. I used to believe that it was normal, and that that's just how the universe works. You win some, you lose some. That's just how the balance goes, and you can't possibly be happy all the time. I still believe that to a certain extent, but it wasn't until I talked to a relative about it when I realized that it's not normal. After finding out about Cyclothymia, I did more research and I am sure that I am far from having a proper bipolar disorder, which is good, but I still suffer from it. Constantly. 

What's my way to deal with depression? Hiding in my room for at least 24 hours straight, only eating one meal a day, sleeping a whole lot, listening to songs that make me want to curl up in a fetal position, not talking to anyone, screaming at people who try to talk to me, and trying not to cry as I think of the places I could go or things I could do or people I could meet. It only seems logical.

This post was very hard to write. Anything that is true is very hard to write. Trying not to lie was very hard, and getting out of bed long enough to stop my laptop from playing Iwan Rheon was very hard.

I hope you're all having better weeks.

Goodnight.

England

Hi.

For the past couple of days, I've been spending an incredibly sad number of hours on the internet searching for apartments in England and just reading up on towns like Camden and Bristol and Brighton. And by sad, I mean the whole day.

I've been planning to move to England with a couple of friends. They will be doing university, while I slowly build up my career, somehow hopefully involving E4. I'm not really aiming to get to university, simply because it is expensive and I don't think a piece of paper people call a degree is necessary in the field that I want to work in. 

Anyway, we've yet to decide on a town, but I have seen a couple of pretty sweet houses for rent all over England. In my dream house, the whole place would have a modern vibe, mostly white and light wood and steel. We would have an L-shaped kitchen that has an oven with a separate grill, and a kitchen island where we could have breakfast and a small dining table for when people come over. I'd have a built-in desk and wardrobe in my room, and a full-length standalone mirror. Our living room would only have bookshelves, a coffee table, and a couch or bean bags, and no TV. We would have a pretty decent garden, doesn't have to be big. Just somewhere I could lay a mat down and have a picnic when I don't feel like being cooped up at home. We thought of getting a teacup pig, but I just found out that they grow up to be as big as a medium-sized dog, so I rather get the dog or a cat. All this thinking is making me ache of my house. I just might go on The Sims 3 right now to build it.

I've told a couple of people about this and they're all asking me if I really think I could survive on my own. I honestly think I could. Of course, parents would be funding my first couple of months stay, just so I'd have time to settle down and get a job, but I truly think I'd be able to make it on my own. I'd get a job, or two, one that's full-time and one part-time waitressing gig if I need it or freelance if I can. Of course I know it's not easy to get a job, but that doesn't mean that it's impossible. I'd get a bike to travel around the neighbourhood, and take the tube to go to places. I could cook instead of eat out, which means saving money and eating healthy. The only thing I'm truly worried about it safety. And Topshop being equally horrifically expensive as it is in Singapore. That would be majorly depressing. 

I've already started to prepare for this big move in my life as money is a big issue, and building on that takes a lot of time. From now on, I can only buy clothes I think I could wear in England's weather. I get cold pretty easily so this just crosses out a lot of things from my usual wardrobe must haves. I can only buy things I know I can bring to England. No more shoes, unless I really do need them, no more bags, because I truly do not need anymore, no more gadgets, because I only need my camera and laptop and iPhone to live! I'm also gonna seriously start saving up money now, which I know would be hard, but it's something I know I could definitely do.

Now people who would read this would probably think that I'm just a spoiled girl, dreaming of things I probably would have to give up in the future, but no. I am serious. I need to do this, and I have a plan. I'm not just doing this to leave Singapore, I'm doing this because I know I have to. You might ask why I've dropped the idea of moving to Los Angeles. I haven't. It's just not the right time, and everyone has shit to sort out. It would be my second plan though. I can't wait to live in England. There are places to be, people to meet, and lives to be lived.

I hope you have a good week.

Good morning.

Sleeping patterns

Hi.

I slept at 4am today, which is early, and woke up at 4pm, which is a bit too early than I hoped. A lot of people have been asking me about my sleeping habits. Some say it's screwed up, I just say it's slightly unorthodox.

I guess I've always had a screwed up body clock. Being someone who skipped school more than adults would've liked, I spent quite a number of my days sleeping in 'til 12pm and going to bed at 2am. Matters only got "worse" when I joined polytechnic and had a pretty irregular class schedule. Mix that with assignments and deadlines, and you get a nocturnal Liza.

So about my sleeping patterns, nowadays, I sleep at around 5 or 6am. If I don't need to go out that day, I would wake up at around 3 or 4pm. If I do, I'd wake up two and a half hours before the meeting time, roll around 45 minutes, then get up and squeeze my one hour preparing-to-go-out time in 15 minutes. If I had an early day, I'd go home in the afternoon and pass out 'til about 11pm. Then I'd do my work and whatever, 'til I fall asleep at 5am again.

I'm quite fine with my "sleeping pattern". The only thing I dislike about it is that I can never get proper meals. I only get lunch. I guess I can always cook, but it's depressing when my mom makes something wonderful for dinner, but I complete sleep through it and I'm left with the sad cold leftover mush. I can't really fall asleep any earlier than 4am even if I tried, unless I torture myself to exhaustion, which I rather not do. I'm not particularly lethargic when I go out in daylight even with only 2 hours of sleep. I guess I'm already used to it. 

So that's pretty much it regarding my sleeping schedule. Timing doesn't really bother me, but I think it will affect my health pretty badly in the long run. Though I do believe that if I continue this habit, it will become just that, a habit. A normal thing that would no longer affect me or my system.

Ok, I think I should go to sleep now. Good morning.

Hurley

Hi.

I think that I am quite an internally prideful person. I wouldn't say that I'm proud, but I know what I'm good at and would never bring myself down.

One time I backed down was for a stupid stupid thing. I was scared and thought I could never possibly pull this off, but I regret it. I apologize if this sounds rather sappy, but for some reason, there's been this nagging thought in the back of my mind and I think I just need some sort of closure.

She's pretty. Pretty amazing, but also pretty. She's talented, could sing, dance, and act. She's tiny, her waist fit his arm like a glove. She's rich, fashionable, popular. And that's not all. She's nice, cheerful, kind. She's helped out in mission trips and charities, and helped out a lot of people in general. Despite all that, she's humble. She's unbelievable.

I've only met her once, but that was enough to leave me amazed. It didn't help that the only times she was brought up in conversations was when she was being praised for another amazing thing that she did, and those times came often enough. How was I supposed to compete with that?! No, wait, never mind competing. How was I supposed to follow up to that?!

She's perfect. Damn, if I was a guy, I'd definitely be totally and completely in love with her. Who wouldn't? So what was I supposed to do, pretend she didn't exist? Even you couldn't do that. I wasn't, and will never be anything even remotely close to being like her. The mere thought of following in her footsteps scare the living shit out of me because I know I'll never be as good. So I stepped away. 

I was still there, but I stayed quiet. Unmemorable. And I regret it. It makes me wonder how things would've turned out if I wasn't such a pussy. Ok, I'm not saying things would've been like "getting it on" when I "turn my game on", oh goodness, it pains me to type that, but I'd like to think that things would've turned out differently. Not necessarily better than how things are now, but different.

Now I'm pushing, trying so hard to be there. To be unforgettable, but it's kinda hard when we're both busy with our own lives. I don't even know why I try, when you've disappointed me so many times. I guess I just want to know what's on both sides of the fence, though I'm pretty sure that there will still be something I'll majorly regret.

But all's over, I guess. I'm not even in want of anything or anyone right now.

I just want to stay in bed on a rainy day. Oh, and your jacket. I want to stay in bed on a rainy day wearing your jacket.

God Bless America.

Why have a civilization anymore if we no longer are interested in being civilized?

I believe that this is the greatest, most thought-provoking movie I've seen in years. It has a simple message. One we might think is common sense, but seems lost and forgotten in our days. Has humanity really lost any sort of decency that people have to resort to murder to get rid of the spoiled bunch in the group?

When I first saw the trailer, I immediately fell in love with the whole idea. If I didn't have God in my life, lived somewhere where what's in the media is everything, had a disease that could pretty much kill me any minute, and epic balls of steel, I would go on a murder spree. I probably wouldn't be very good though, but I'll try!

Just to amuse myself, I will now imagine a couple of scenarios where I'd go on such a spree:

• while waiting for a train and people block the door
• while getting out of a train and people block the door
• when people cut my queue
• when babies cry in public places
• when drunk people attempt (and fail) to dance on tables/platforms in clubs
• when there are riots against homosexuality
• when there are riots involving politics
• when there are paparazzis
• when I meet the people who come up with the new Disney shows
• at the office of companies like TMZ or US Weekly

That's all I can think of at the moment. I don't think I'm a particularly negative person.

Anyway, I thought the scriptwriting was amazing. Frank's lines were like polished versions of what I had in mind. The world has become a place where there are people being celebrated because they're loud, and attention-grabbing, not because they are talented. Despite my understanding of the difference between an artist and an entertainer, I don't think that someone who knows how to fake drama in their life deserves more money and attention than someone who actually works hard and does good things.

I think everyone should watch this movie. You may not agree with the idea, but you should still watch it for the mini-speeches Frank made in the film. The CG-blood is not the best, the storyline has flaws, and Roxy could get a tad bit annoying, there's no way that girl can shoot her first time with so little recoil, but watch it for Joel Murray's character, Frank Murdoch. 

Mid-life crisis at barely 19.

Hi. I am forcing myself not to say "it's been awhile".

I'm currently going through a mid-life crisis. I'm pretty sure I'll only live 'til a little over forty. And I'll probably die by overdosing on something or being eaten during the zombie apocalypse. No joke.

Tonnes of shit has been piling up on my plate and I can't do anything else, but accept that this is what I'll be having for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the next couple of months. It's probably my fault for biting off more than I can chew, but I desperately need to do something with my life. I feel useless, unappreciated, and basically like I don't matter, and I know I'm not any of those things! Except for being unappreciated. I am that. A LOT.

I just need a change.

I need to get a tattoo that says "this too shall pass"

I need to get a tongue stud

I need to stop eating those heaven-in-a-cupcake snacks

I need to take up kickboxing or muay thai to release stress

I need to stop being so late all the time

I need to focus more on my schoolwork

I need to eat more healthily

I need to rebond my hair

I need to get a job

I need to get my website idea up and running

I need to take more photos

I need to stop spending money on ridiculously unnecessary things

I need to start saving up for my trip

I need to listen to more music

I need more sleep, at the "right hours"

I need to get my own name cards done

I need to grow out my fringe

I need to actually do these things.

Nice

Hi

I'd like to think that I'm a very nice person. I really am. I offer to help people whenever I can, I try my best to help out people who do ask me for help, I don't have any aggressive-state arguments with anyone, and if I'm ever pissed off, I will consult my good friends before I attack someone. I'm amazingly nice, and I'm not being egoistic or anything. I'm merely speaking the truth.

I guess I could be a bitch sometimes. I do bitch about some people, but it is nothing serious. It is no excuse, but I don't think it affects my niceness. It's not particularly destructive, so I think it's fine. I do have flaws, and I snap at people when they do something wrong, but God knows that doesn't happen very often. If you think it does, please do let me know. I want to fix my faults.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is just to think out loud. Am I too nice? Sometimes I do think so. I do get pissed off and annoyed at people, but it takes a lot for me to get visibly angry. I can only remember two times I got really mad at people. Once was during a camp where I was a leader. I was having blinding migraines throughout the whole camp, but I passed all my drugs to my camp commandant cos he was suffering from a painful recovery of a broken arm, other people in charge of games didn't let me know about their night walk plan, so I was just standing there not knowing what was happening, there was an accident that could've easily been avoided, and people who wouldn't chill the fuck out even after I told them that the games no longer mattered. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, but yeah. The other time was when two friends blatantly used me as a scapegoat so they can go on their secret rendezvous, without even asking if I was okay with it. Oh my goodness. Just thinking about those two things make my blood boil, but I'm over it.

The reason why those things happened is because I'm too nice. Oh, I sacrificed my stash of painkillers, I let people use my name. I guess it's sort of my fault that I'm being taken advantage of, because I initially let them do so. But when I do tell people to stop, they don't take me seriously. When I tell friends to quit it when we're just playfully teasing each other, they just think I'm kidding. Why, oh, why.

There is only one person that I truly detest and cannot stand, and even I don't act like a bastard to that person. Why can't people treat me with the same respect as I treat them? I'm nice. Wahlao. Why do the nice people always have to finish last, even when it's not relationship-wise.

Good God. Have mercy on their souls.

Feed

I don't know if people know this about me, but I love the idea of zombies.

Zombies are scientifically possible, though, I'd like to believe, highly improbable. Because of numerous parasites, viruses, and nanobots, they are very plausible. I've yet to decide if it's a good thing or not.

I love the idea of a zombie apocalypse and I have no idea why. I know it won't exactly be a good thing if it happened, but there's just something about it that I love, and I can't figure out what. My only motivation for fitness is training for the zombie apocalypse. I can't resist watching zombie movies, and playing zombie games, and reading things about zombies. It's interesting.

At the moment, I am waiting for an app for the iPhone called Zombies, Run! to come out. It's a fitness-game where you are Runner #5 and you are running away from a hoard of zombies. I'm also currently watching the Zombie Cheerleader episode of Misfits and am very much enjoying it, not to mention that I'm lusting over Max Brook's book, The Zombie Survival Guide.

If I had to pick the kind of person that I will be in the zombie apocalypse, I will be a zombie. It's sad to say this, but honestly, I'd be one of the first to go. Rule number one, Cardio. Something I am horrible at, so I'd die first. If I do survive however, I'd be Mia from Zombicorns by John Green. I'd have enough of a heart to take care of my undead family and a pet, but heartless enough to mindlessly blow up a horde, steal supplies from supermarkets and hijack a ferrari. I'd have a baseball bat or a hammer as a melee weapon, because they're relatively light and easy to carry. A katana is better, but it's harder to find and control, and I probably would slice my own hand off first. If the number of ammo didn't matter, I'd have a submachine gun or an AK-47. I don't believe in this one-shot headshot double-barrel shotgun bullshit, because my accuracy is not the best, and spamming shots just feels good (I assume).

I just finished watching the ASBO5 kill zombie cheerleaders and I mentally jizzed all over the place. And I thought Misfits couldn't get any better.