Empty | Full

Hi.

I don't think I've ever felt this lost.

I don't think I've ever felt lost, really. Right now, I just feel like I don't know where I am in life, and I wake up thinking, "if I don't exist today, would things be any different?". It's horrible, because it only applies to the present. I know where I stood months ago, and I know what I'll be doing years from now, but I don't know where I am right now.

There is just no drive, no meaning, and at the end of each day I look back and realize how empty the past few hours were. Sure, I was busy in school and probably had superficial conversations with people, but that's just what the day was. Superficial.

It's odd, because I've never felt this way. To be honest, I've never really seen myself as someone with feelings. Close friends would probably tell you the same. I used to just go by day after day, no matter how shitty and depressing one was, I'll be back smiling and making horrible puns after. I've never seriously worried about the future, let alone the present, and just went through each day, being the quintessential spokesperson of "going with the flow". But in a good way. Now instead of riding the waves, I'm going with the flow in a way that could be better described as "getting dragged by waste water down the sewers".

I just feel so, for the lack of a better word, empty. Yet simultaneously full. My heart has been so heavy, but it is full of nothingness, of emptiness. My days are empty, the messages app on my phone is empty, my wallet is empty, there is nothing tangible in this planet that would make me want to go to church,  my social life is non-existent, I find absolutely no reason to leave my room, and I literally and legitimately do not have any idea what to do or what to think as of this moment. Nothing makes me legitimately and non-superficially happy. The closest I could get is a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks, but that's only 5% on the happiness meter, and it'll cost me at least 400 calories, and not to mention that shit is expensive!

I think I'm in the depressed state of my Cyclothymia. I really do hope that this is all from Cyclothymia, or else, I'm fucked.

I really hope you're not feeling like shit.

Good morning.