Happy birthday indeed.

Hi.

Quick confession. I'm a pathological liar, bordering on sociopathy, and I suffer from Cyclothymia, which is a mild case of manic depression. Loosely diagnosed by a relative who studies mental disorders.

I'm in the bounds of having a depressive fit, which is absolutely horrible when combined with being a pathological liar. To try to combat the latter, I just try not to talk to anyone as much as possible, but that only adds fuel to the flame of depression.

Contrary to popular belief, depression is not something that "just takes time to get over". It's a chemical imbalance in the brain that could mostly only be sorted out with drugs. Unfortunately, some people seem to take advantage of that and use antidepressants to get high, which is stupid. If you want to get high, do weed, or drink, or go to a club. Or be manic depressive and get high for a couple of weeks straight, before falling into a pit of depression.

Back when I was younger, I used to wonder why I would always feel like absolute shit after I've had the most amazing time. I used to believe that it was normal, and that that's just how the universe works. You win some, you lose some. That's just how the balance goes, and you can't possibly be happy all the time. I still believe that to a certain extent, but it wasn't until I talked to a relative about it when I realized that it's not normal. After finding out about Cyclothymia, I did more research and I am sure that I am far from having a proper bipolar disorder, which is good, but I still suffer from it. Constantly. 

What's my way to deal with depression? Hiding in my room for at least 24 hours straight, only eating one meal a day, sleeping a whole lot, listening to songs that make me want to curl up in a fetal position, not talking to anyone, screaming at people who try to talk to me, and trying not to cry as I think of the places I could go or things I could do or people I could meet. It only seems logical.

This post was very hard to write. Anything that is true is very hard to write. Trying not to lie was very hard, and getting out of bed long enough to stop my laptop from playing Iwan Rheon was very hard.

I hope you're all having better weeks.

Goodnight.