Hi.
Let's skip all the formalities of going "I'm sorry I've practically fallen off the planet", because I'm going through an existential crises enough as it is.
Last week, I was researching on things to do while in Los Angeles, and it turned into a search for an apartment to rent in LA, which turned into a search for a job, which turned into reading yahoo! question after question and blog after blog about how hard it is to find a job in the entertainment industry in LA, which then turned into a realization that I am completely not qualified for anything, which finally turned into a half an hour of minor anxiety attack.
I know what I want to do in life. I want to move to Los Angeles and drive around in my Fiat 500, living and working in my studio apartment, grocery shopping at Whole Foods and Farmers Markets, facing trivial problems like how I want to arrange the furniture in my house and if I want to get white rice or brown rice.
Last night, I had an anxiety dream about being in internship and how I made the wrong choice and totally should have done FYP for my final semester instead. I dreamt that I was on the train on my way to school, but I was two hours early so I decided to take a detour and change route at Jurong East. The train I got on was a very new and pretty train with very clean and polite people, but as soon as we got to the next stop, all the clean polite people got off and these mean scraggly-type people got in and the whole train started being gross and dirty. It was really full and loud and I wanted to get off the train at the next stop, but it was the longest ride of my life. My whole issue with personal space made me want to faint, and that ride just felt like an eternity, even in dream time.
I finally reached the next stop, so I tried getting off the train, not without bumping into a hundred dirty people and clumsily stumbling out of the carriage. I ended up in a dirty run down platform with stairs missing multiple steps, and I have to cross the street to get to the other platform. After almost falling to my death multiple times, I reached the other side and waited for what felt like days for that train, only to be unable to get back on the Clementi train no matter what I do. It just feels like I'm stuck there forever with no foreseeable future.
I have never felt this uncomfortable in my entire life. I can't sleep peacefully, my heart constantly feels like it's about to fall out of my butt, My craving for McDonalds has reached a whole new level. I started going on the McDelivery website, putting everything I want "in my cart" before weeping and closing the site.
I'm just desperately trying to keep my sanity and keep cool and calm, just forcing myself to remember that this too shall pass, and I will one day own my studio apartment and drive around in my Fiat 500.
I hope you're all doing well and know what you want to do in life.
Goodnight.
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